How you know your from the Middle East

1. You drank Bebsi, Fanta, Miranda, Sun Top, Tang, and Canada Dry.
2. When you wanted fast food you got a shawarma.
3. You think American restaurants should serve lamb. With rice.
4. Bebsi was cheaper than water. So was gasoline.
5. You remember when 80*F was cold, 90*F was cool, 105*F was warm, and 115*F was hot.
6. You know a friend who won a free car from the local mall. Twice.
7. Gulf Countries: Arabic is the 1st language. Urdu is the 2nd. Filipino is the 3rd. English is the 4th. Balad Ash-Sham: Arabic is the 1st language. English and French are tied for 2nd. Egypt: Egyptian is the 1st language. Arabic is the 2nd... musris, seriously: learn how to pronounce the jeem. It's jamah, NOT GAMAH.
8. Some dumb ass American asked you if you rode a camel to school. And you told him that you've seen more Rolls Royce, Mercedes, BMW, and Lexus automobiles on the streets of Riyadh or Dubai than you've ever seen in the USA.
9. Your school had classes canceled because of a truck bomb or a SCUD missile attack.
10. You know what the Burj Al Arab is.
11. You had satellite TV and never heard of cable until you came to the USA.
12. There are no lines at amusement parks. Push, shove, and run your ass off to get the bumper car before the other guy.
13. Airport workers offer to carry your bags for you and you say no.
14. Friday was the official weekend.
15. People who DIDN’T bribe got into trouble.
16. There was no such thing as a non-smoking section. Anywhere. Even airline flight crews smoked on airplanes. In the aisles. Beside the no-smoking sign.
17. Your parents told you it was too hot to go outside.
18. You know that 3 people can fit on a motorcycle, 8 people can fit in a 5-seat car, and 20 people can fit in a 12-person minibus.
19. Your car or your parents' car was equipped with dual AC's.
20. Casio G-Shock: the only watches you've ever owned.
21. You bought a dagger. And a sword.
22. Almost every McDonalds was two stories tall. The rest were three stories tall.
23. You watched BBC, CNN International, and Al-Jazeera... and consider American news to be for entertainment purposes only.
24. Lion Bar and Kit Kat are the greatest chocolate bars of all time.
25. Your school had armed guards and concrete barricades.
26. You and your friends all thought you were gangstas.
27. You or your neighbor had a driver.
28. Most people on the road don't realize there is a speed limit. Neither does the police.
29. There is NO such thing as Israel. It is Palestine.
30. The movie Aladdin was banned by the government. So were Pokemon.
31. You got back at your friend by pointing at him and yelling, “Yahood!�? when you were in a downtown Damascus Mosque. Your friend was hospitalized for the worst slipper-beating in recorded history.
32. You owned Titanic, Jurrasic Park, and Star Wars Episode 1 weeks before they were playing in U.S. cinemas.
33. You currently own a cellphone that will be sold as the "latest technology" in the USA... in a year.
34. Bizza Hut had beef bebberoni.
35. You thought KFC stood for Kuwaiti Fried Chicken.
36. Everyone at school played football aka "soccer". If there were desis, then some people played cricket.
37. Sports stores were always 90% football aka "soccer" gear, and every kid ended up buying a number 9 Ronaldo Brazil shirt.
38. You know that camels can spit. Far.

They spit

1. The image of one camel mounting another is still burned into your childhood memory.
2. There was actually a point to owning a SUV and now you're extremely pissed at how the USA has transformed a true off-road utility vehicle into a fashion statement for "soccer moms."
3. You know for a fact that bedowins can drive Toyota Land Cruisers, Nissan Patrols, and other 4x4 SUVs better than anyone else on the planet..
4. You've smoked sheesha aka argheela aka hookah aka hubbly bubbly but are shocked to find that the pipe would be considered drug paraphernalia in the USA.
5. You know that the Greeks took shawarmas from the Arabs and just renamed them gyros. And you're outraged.
6. You laughed at how tiny the ants are in the USA.
7. You drank mud aka Turkish Coffee... and you may have even liked it.
8. You rode ATVs, dirt bikes, and jet ski's... when you were 8 years old.
9. You started driving cars on your dad's knee... when you were 4 years old.
10. You root for Saudi Arabia every World Cup... and when they are eliminated, you root for Brazil.
11. Syrian drivers are completely shocked and confused if someone flashes his blinker light before changing lanes or turning.
12. A Syrian cop told you that the stripped white lines on roads are just for decoration.
13. America is called Emreeka.
14. You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?" (And when you do, you get into an elaborate conversation that gets everyone confused and/or makes you sound very spoiled.)
15. You flew before you could walk.
16. You have a passport, but no driver's license.
17. You watch National Geographic specials and recognize someone.
18. You run into someone you know at every airport.
19. Conversations with friends take place at 6:00 in the morning or 10:00 at night.
20. Your life story uses the phrase "Then we went to..." five times.
21. You can speak with authority about the quality of various international airlines.
22. You know the true meaning of "football." (and in your mind can hear the shout, "GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")
23. You haggle with the checkout clerk for a lower price.
24. Your wardrobe can only handle two seasons: hot and warm.
25. Your school memories include duck-and-cover drills.
26. You are used to being stared at.
27. You think VISA is a document stamped in your passport, and not a plastic card you carry in your wallet.."
28. Your best friends are from 5 different countries.
29. You ask your roommate when the houseboy is scheduled to come clean.
30. 68. You got days off school for Christian and Muslim holidays.
31. You secretely wished the rulers of other Middle Eastern countries would die so that you got days off school.
32. Not being able to eat in public during the day during the holy month of Ramadan.
33. You are used to giving directions according to landmarks, not street names.
34. You didn't know how to do your own laundry until you left for college.
35. How come the houses in America don't have servants quarters?
36. You are used to seeing Arabic commercials dubbed in British English about Lux soap, Carnation condensed milk and Dove shampoo.
37. Seeing police drive on the shoulder of the road and cut people is not unusual.
38. One word: 'yala'.
39. Any time you submit an application, you attach 500 riyals to "help" it along.
40. You call a taxi a limo, and are confused when it's not a mercedes
41. you roll your eyes everytime you hear a politician/news reporter say "eye-rack"
42. The speed limit is just good advice, not something really to pay attention to
43. When you see people drive their cars whilst reading their newspaper - with 1 foot on the dash!!
44. You replace "uhm" or "like" with "yani"...

Cowboys and Aliens

Going to see the 8:10 show. This is my story.


4:00 PM Try to get feed back for the movie on Facebook. Not working, i don't think many have had the chance to see it yet, or they have and it sucks and don't want to tell me. Internet reviews are unclear, i think the actors are typing those in themselves.


5:07 PM Look for theater playing nearby. Closest is thirty minutes away, not bad for NY, and yay i can take the bus. No shitty subway for me today. Check showtimes for the 100th time. Mentally prepare myself to spend $12.50 (NIS 60) on a movie that may or may not be good.


8:00 PM Leave the house, try to find the bus. 30 minutes later we reach the theater, there is a long line, to see "The smurfs" movie apparently. Begining to wonder if that is what we should be seeing to, but decide to stick to our guns. The smurfs should never have been turned into a movie, i beleive that. I will not alter my principles so late in the game. 



We get our tickets and stand in line at the concession stand. We order two medium cokes, they arrive looking like the biggest cups of coke i have ever seen. We stumble with our drinks trying to find the theater, seems it is on the tenth floor. Lovely. We arrive there after what seems like forever and sit down to enjoy our movie. People are speaking and laughing, that is okay they will shut up when the movie starts. 30 minutes later the movie begins, no one has shut up. Consider yelling at the couple behind us and throwing popcorn on the couple in front of us, but then realize that i am not a confrontational person, and they look like the type who thrive in these situations. I chose to remain silent and listen to the movie. 


Two hours later. I hate my life, i hate this movie, i hate Daniel Graig, i definitely hate Olivia Wilde who has not done anything useful throughout the movie but stare at everything with her eyes. There was no story, no point, you didn't feel anything for the characters, in fact you wanted them to die, all of them, because it would be one less moron to listen to. Too many sub plots, pointless special affects and scenes that felt forced and had no purpose being there. In the end the aliens run away, and what did they want to begin with? Gold. They wanted Gold. Well, of course they did, everyone wanted gold in the old west right? 


I left the theater angry and defeated. What a wasted potential, what a scam, you have all that money, why not make the movie good? Fuck you Faveraux, you have no place directing an action movie anyway. Dragged ourselves home, and after such a movie, being back in bedstuy surrounded by crazy ass people, police and screaming lunatics was a sweet relief. I'll just buy some vodka on the way home, i need to forget this fucking movie ever happened.